On Taking a Position as a Principal

A few weeks ago I finished facilitating a session at my 4^th year of a Leadership Training and this year, over half of the attendees were from districts adding not one but multiple New Tech schools.  I love seeing this effort expand and see the influence that these communities have and will continue to have on national education.  It took a long time to get here, but the evolution of K-12 work has come directly from schools demanding support, exciting work that has evolved over the years.  

And yet, the more I see this transformation taking place, I cannot help but feel a longing to return to a school setting.  Each time I meet a community, I feel connected to the people and want to stay and work with them.  It is hard to leave these communities and know that I might not ever make it back to see the results of their planning and implementation.

The more students and educators that I meet across the Network, the more that I feel the pull of one community, one place to serve and share what I have learned from the network and put down my own roots in a neighborhood school.

As I think about all of the leaders I have known in schools, I am moved and inspired by their examples.  I have watched them struggle to balance work with life, face disappointment at the missteps of just one student, strive to learn and grow continually, and celebrate every success.   It has been an honor to know these individuals and the best way to repay that gift is to take what I see as the best of those efforts and make them my own.

As I have learned from these educators, I have also started to collect the characteristics of the ideal setting for me. Those characteristics have serendipitously come together in one community where I will be honored to serve as the new principal starting March 16^th: Bonsall High School in North County San Diego, California.  Bonsall offers:

• A smaller school district where I can learn the district office structures more quickly
• A district leader that values partnership with schools and wants to collaboratively solve problems together
• A neighborhood school where all students have access to the kind of outcomes that will lead them to a successful future
• A new high school still in implementation so I can grow with the school community
• A small, family friendly community for my own children to land softly
• Within driving distance of multiple universities where my husband can pursue his own career
• Close enough to our family and friends that I can drive home for the holidays

I didn’t know that it would be possible to find all these characteristics in one place and in fact, Bonsall HS is the only school in the country that has this particular collection of attributes for me.  I know that there will still be challenges serving in this role, but I also know that everything has aligned in the right time and space for me to take this position.  I have been warmly welcomed by the district and school staff and look forward to getting to know the students and parents of this beautiful community in the coming months.  I can only hope that I will be able to serve them well and attend to their needs to the best of my ability.

On Having Best Friends

I have been lucky in my life to have many best friends rather than that one single best friend (well, okay, I do have a single best friend, but we are the kind of friends that haven't lived within reasonable driving distance since college and she is running her own internet party these days while I am traveling around the country making our overlap time limited).

I refer to these other friends as my LOCAL best friend because each place we have moved, I have had a special friend in my neighborhood that has permanently changed characteristics about myself.

These women are amazing individuals like..

Amy through whom I have lived vicariously as she travels around the world doing good.  I think she is currently in Brazil trying to push women's soccer while teaching science to adolescents.

Kate who taught me about volleyball, art, and a positive attitude in every circumstance.

Shima, who I can't really talk about because she is an internet recluse and probably doesn't want me to use her real name.  I at least can share that she is one of the most generous people I have ever known.

Amanda who cannot be pinned down on social media because she is in the real world floating around serving friends and neighbors constantly in spite having five children and an extraordinarily large number of talents that are in high demand.

Katie who can walk into a room, learn obscure facts from everyone in the room, and then leave without having shared a single tidbit about herself.  She taught me that genuine curiosity and interest in another person makes a soul feel loved and cared for like nothing else.

My undisputed local best friend since moving to Utah has been the amazing Diana Larsen.  Since today is her birthday, I wish to dedicate the rest of this post to her exclusively.

Here she is in all her glory on the Pioneer Trek.  The perfect way to honor her as it represents a time in which, in spite of her busy schedule, dropped everything to help me get ready:

Moving to Utah Valley is really hard.  I mean, if you have a large family, it is an astoundingly wonderful place to raise children and beautiful as it can possibly be.  It is not difficult in the sense that life is hard, but because everyone has a large extended family and therefore no time for friends, it takes awhile to break in to the crowd.

Diana is an exception to this rule.  Not in the busy factor--she has a large extended family that lives locally and she even cares for her nieces and nephews on most days of the week.  She lives in the same neighborhood where she grew up and knows everyone in the zipcode. If you go anywhere in public with her, you are likely to run into several people that she has known forever.  Where Diana is an exception is that she befriends you instantly.  She doesn't actually care what you know, who you are, how weird you are, or where you came from--she is in.  She is in your inner circle and she doesn't even think twice about whether you deserve it.  You could be a stranger in the grocery store and after five minutes of chatting with her in line feel like you have this magical new friend.

What I find particularly intriguing about Diana is her tireless dedication to the community.  In the few years that I have known her, this is what I have seen:

• School service.  She attends PTA meetings and signs up to help out, not just projects to put in your time, but ongoing.  She has volunteered in every possible way at the local elementary school and I wouldn't be surprised if someone actually handed her a master key one day.
• Church service.  Diana is the president of our Young Women's organization currently--but she continues to volunteer to help out in any way needed.  With ten minute notice she is up and running with a plate of goodies, a meal for 60 people, or collecting a minion of helpers who know they better show because she has shown up for them so many times.  For the last five years, she has also led the efforts for the week-long Girls Camp and is incomparable.
• Constant attention to her family.  While she is off giving service to everyone and every organization around town, she never stops thinking about her kids.  She picks and drops them off from school everyday (Diana, WHY do you do this??) She provides them with constant enrichment like sports and art classes, schedules fun outings for every holiday and weekend, and is generally one of the most nurturing mothers I have met in spite of a wicked sarcasm that runs through her daily dialogue.  See this shot of a typical fun night for the Larsens.  Note they aren't just at a game, they have to have those crazy glowing lights too.
• Feeling bad for everyone who is struggling.  I have received more than one call from her saying "let's just run over and do x for this person, I feel really badly that I haven't done anything yet." She feels this way about the entire neighborhood, for whom she feels a real sense of stewardship and duty.
• Loving every kid she knows.  Any time someone comments negatively about a child that she knows, she usually just says "I LOVE that kid.  He is hilarious."  She feeds the high school kids at lunch, hosts playdates nonstop and generally speaking always has a kid around.  My daughters are constantly asking if they can just go "hang at Diana's" as though she is one of their personal friends.  

I am grateful for all of these things that she demonstrates to me on a regular basis, but she is also the first real friend I have had who has earned her education through real world application.  All of my other best friends I met while in college, teaching, or grad school living and therefore were more formally educated.  Diana is one of the most intelligent women that I know and she has come by her skills by hard work and her own two hands.  

When I first got to know her, through Girls Camp one year, I felt so inadequate--she had this set of skills that I definitely had not developed in my article-reading/podcast listening world.  She was able to whip together food for a crowd in minutes--and the food tasted amazing.  I always thought you had to spend a lot of money to get a decent meal, but she somehow manages to frugally provide an enviable spread.  Yet she is always willing to let others help.  She never once said "hey idiot, don't you know how to work a camp stove?" but instead simply showed me how to do things.  I credit her 100% with my solo camping adventure in which I slow cooked ribs in a dutch oven over coals (her equipment of course).  I even incompetently provided her 9-year old with a slippery, freshly-sharpened chef's knife to open a package of bacon and he promptly sliced his fingers--but she forgave me because she is that kind of friend.  It isn't just the food--her event management, planning for activities, thinking about how to let other people develop, and general ability to have fun in a crowd sets her apart.  

I cannot say enough about what she has done for me personally, taking my kids here or there, reminding me about school events, dragging me places that I need to, but don't always want to go, or letting me know about a community event.  We have been on marching band field trips together, served side by side at some scheme or other, and enjoyed a few traditions of our own making together.  

I am so thankful that she is a "more the merrier" kind of person that welcomed me into her fold in spite of my excessive travel and I know that I have forever been changed because of her presence in my life.  Happy, happy birthday Diana.  Try to think about yourself for a few minutes today. 

Dr. Fleming, I presume?

With little fanfare, Steve finished his Ph.D this term.  We haven't really celebrated in any big way and we haven't discussed the excitement it adds to our lives to have an actual, real doctor of Philosophy in the house.  

But the deed is done.  The degree in which we have invested our marriage together is now complete.  

Steve is in the process for searching for a job in between working on two books and regularly sharing his research and thinking online but in the end, it turns out that it has been about much more than that.

So here, in celebration of Dr. Steve and all that we have obtained through this process, is a list of things that we have learned while seeking the light at the end of the tunnel:

• The dad knows his children.  Not like "what is your favorite color" but things like shoe size (this is a big deal, ask the dad what the kid's shoe size is, very little known fact).  He knows books they have read, their preference in movies, and what they will and will not eat.  These are the things that moms usually know.  Because of his flexible schedule and my work, we have been able to create an at-home dad environment to the point that our youngest child thinks that normally dad's stay home and clean the house and mom's go off to work.  Nature v. Nurture mystery solved.

• We live with family.  What started out as a temporary solution to "where in the world is less expensive than Santa Barbara" turned into a convivienda  with the kids' grandparents.  We don't need to live here, we don't have an economic reason to live with Steve's parents, yet we find the experience to be tremendously rewarding.  More Americans should live with family, it just feels connected in a way that most people don't ever get to understand.  How many people get to take a spur of the moment trip to Yellowstone with their grandma because you happened to be upstairs when you mentioned you were going in two days?

• Steve is smart. Not in the "hey smarty pants" kind of way but in the "I know LOTS of stuff about stuff".  I have seen this graphic several times and whenever I encounter it, I chuckle.  I think it kind of feels true for a lot of people.  But the thing is, Steve also knows things like what is going on the world of politics, sports, entertainment, and Disney Corporation history. The man is a walking encyclopedia--so it only makes sense that he would have a Ph.D

• My lovely, lovely job.  Without Steve's program I would never have taken this on and never would have found the magic of a professional calling.  I have a team that I work with and love, dozens of other people that tremendously important to me and to my world, and I had no idea that I would love it so much.  I love working in schools and the satisfaction of knowing that what I do can make a difference.

So what is next for the Fleming family?  Our lifestyle seems to be holding strong.  We are waiting for various options for Steve as he continues to author his way through and I work doing what I love most to try to change the world.  If anything changes, we will let you know.

Economic Benefits of SAHMs

Several months ago someone posted this very thoughtful response to a woman who saw herself as a moocher because she hadn't contributed financially to the household.  I highly suggest you read the post.

Since I read it, I have had this post swirling in my head and today, after rereading what cannot be possibly real from Amy Glass , I am finally putting the thoughts together.

As a woman who works and travels a significant portion of the year (100 days or so) I feel like it is not those SAHMs, but rather I am actually the moocher off of these women.  Here are some representative examples:

• If I can't make it to soccer practice because I have a conference call, it is always a woman who is home with children who rescues me
• I get texts from these women who remind me about events at the school and get me signed up for volunteer opportunities I would have missed otherwise
• My children see these women as attentive and happy mothers and therefore my children have a positive experience with women who are at home in order for them to genuinely see it as a choice a woman can make
• Women who are at home with children during the day teach top quality dance and gymnastics classes at an almost embarrassingly low rate, just so kids in the neighborhood (like mine) can have the opportunity

A picture taken by one of my SAHM friends when I was out of town on soccer picture day.  Guess whose kid doesn't have a uniform shirt?

I am not the only one who benefits from these women, my entire community benefits.  The schools in the area have enough parent volunteers to provide an entire army of reading pals to support a school reading program for struggling readers to get extra help.  These same women are fundraising, carpooling to sporting and music events on behalf of children who are not their own, and volunteer hundreds of thousands of hours in soccer, the library and a half dozen other local programs.  

The city of Orem, in fact, has a pool of free, educated, skilled hands that are ready at a moments notice to help out.  Cities with large numbers of educated at-home mothers have access to local resources in ways that government spending can never compensate for regardless of the amount.

We are as a community, in a word, rich.  And often I wonder if the money that I earn working isn't as valuable as the time that these women volunteer.  I am not donating that kind of time to the community, I am simply reaping the rewards.

It is this reaping that makes me a moocher, a parasite on the women who without even blinking help me raise my children.

I do, however, also have some hope that these women benefit from my work as well.  I financially contribute to these same activities, maybe even a little more out of guilt for not being there in person.  I, too, am providing a role model of a woman who makes a choice.  A choice to work not for the money or because I have to, but because I feel a sense of purpose and love my profession.  I also believe that what I learn in my job I share with my community and I hope in small way that this is seen as a contribution too.

I think this whole mommy wars thing is made up.  We live symbiotically and collectively contribute to our children together. If there is a war, though, I might have to switch teams and hang out with the SAHMs because I bet their food storage is more organized.

For Posterity (and Rainy Days)

We've had bad luck with our kids.--they've all grown up.  
-Christopher Morley



Yesterday I woke up to a lovely poem on my nephew's 17th birthday:

This is what my nephew looks like now:

Yikes!!! I think I am getting older because I am in the same place these days.  My son is only 14, but I am feeling a similar nostalgia about him aging and going away.  I am recording this today as proof that having 4 small children actually pays off at some point.  I remember when a friend of mine had her first baby she said something like "You know before I had kids, I thought it was going to be 90% and 10% fun.  But when I actually had a baby, it turns out it was 10% work and 90% fun."  When she said that I thought she was so sweet but a little crazy.  It IS 90% work!!! 

But now, now that my youngest child is in kinder, I am getting there.  I still feel that my younger kids are high levels of work--they are always wanting things like food and help finding shoes.  But my older children, wow, what a sweet payoff.

They used to ask for stuff.  When they were this size:

But lately, when they call and ask "hey can I stay at my friend's house?"  I feel like saying "No!!! come hang out with me!!!" But I don't really have a reason to say no, so I just say "I guess.  Be home by 5:30."  

Because this is what it is like to hang out with them now:

And the feeling is bittersweet--because just as I like them more, they like other people more.  Just as I want to hang out with them and play games or watch youtube videos of stupid music videos from my childhood, they want to come home late from doing more fun things with their friends.

Soon enough, these wonderful little children will become actual adults and move out while I will be left wondering why I found cooking dinner such a chore after all.

I suppose having 4 children at least gives me a little extra time because while they are still asking for stuff and needing stuff, they are getting pretty fun too:

And even now, as I am posting this, I am worried about my kids' grades, their friendships, and developing the spirituality in my children.  But when Jenny posted her poem about her oldest child, it gave me a fleeting glance into my own future in which I am reluctant to let my kids go, I am devastated that they are leaving me and my first act as an empty nester is to show up on the doorstep of some poor child of mine and say "Hey, come home and watch this Jimmy Fallon bit with me."  

And their roommates will look them in the eye and whisper "Make sure she takes you food shopping while you are out."

Girl's Camp

I spent a week at camp Mia Shalom:

It was the first time in a long time that I went an entire week without technology.  The first little bit I was actually imagining the chime of my IM or the feel of my phone on vibrate, a phantom phone.

But once I settled in, it was kind of painful to come back to society.  I missed my husband and children of course, but since I had one of my children with me:

I think I could have stayed another week.  A few things came out of my experience:

1) I want to learn how to build an awesome fire.  I think I am going to try to take the family camping, just so I can burn a huge fire.  A man came with us for the week to help us out and he was like, the firestarter of the universe.  One night I think we used somewhere around 60 logs for a single fire.  It was epic.

2) I like teenagers.  I was reminded of why I liked teaching, all the beautiful opportunities you have to actually teach something in a small moment and the very immediate reminder about whether it worked.

3) I like being around other women.  We had our own cabin for leaders and it was so nice to just hang out sometimes.  

4) I like working.  If it seemed like something needed to be done, it made me happy to do it.  I preferred cooking and cleaning to sitting in all cases.

5) Camp food can be awesome.  Our camp director was the best meal planner, the way she organized food for 30 people without batting an eye (and with leftovers) was kind of crazy.  We had Cafe Rio imitation chicken, we had a J-Dawgs hotdog (Costco hotdogs with J-Dawgs sauce), and a serious dessert every day.  It is a miracle I only gained 2 pounds.

6) I love singing.  I wish we sat around and sang with guitars more.

SAHD

Most of you know that Steve has been home with the kids for most of our marriage--not that he hasn't had plenty to do as a full-time student which he has been for much of that time, but he has also taken on the responsibility of being the primary care giver in our home for the days I am gone or when I am home and on the phone (which seems like a large percentage of the time.) This year, he had to step it up as a full-time student dissertating while I pursued a Master's Degree and was gone even more than normal.

One might wonder what Steve does when I am out of town.  Does he cook?  Clean?  Do the dishes?  Laundry?  What kinds of activities does he do with the kids?

In a world in which we still make a big deal about men who know what to do with their kids, it can surprise people to know that I never do laundry yet it is always clean and put away and there are no piles of dirty clothes around.  The children are not starving when I come home as evidenced by their yummy chubby faces and the dishes seem to be just as clean when I am here as when I return from being gone.

As for the activities, this is where his parenting gets a little questionable.  Often when I come home from being out of town, I encounter strange new possessions that arrived in my absence.  Things like this:

I know that some of you recognize the life-sized bear from Costco.  We own one.  Actually, we own two:

My sister-in-law suggested that they look like passed out frat boys in the middle of the night (you may recall a similar post I made about it awhile back).

These bears also have a little friend that arrived later one, a little  big stuffed sheep.  I tried to take a pictures so you can get a sense of scale, but the thing is larger than a standard pillow.

These large stuffed animals are a nuisance, but never before has something shown up that has been as disruptive as these three two ratoncitos. 

They purchased three but Steve decided it was one too many and returned one without consulting the girls, it was very traumatic for poor little Gillian

In a sad turn of events, however, one of the little rats got very ill with pneumonia and a side of my beloved husband came out that reminded me of why I married him.  He put the rat cage in the bathroom and turned up the water to provide a steam room for the sick rat.  And in spite of his eternal cheapness and the lack of return on his investment ($5 dollar rat: $50 vet trip) he took the sick pet to the veterinarian to make sure that the animal was cared for properly.  In watching him make sure this little animal was going to survive, I couldn't help but forgive all of his crazy antics when I am out of town. 

To you, my love, on your birthday, thank you for all that you are to our family.