Beauty and the Teen

A friend of mine posted an article on the facebook today entitled How to Talk to Little Girls.  Certainly I concur with the author's point about the problem facing young women and an overemphasis on beauty.  It also sits well with me to encourage a young woman to develop her other talents and develop her mind.

But what bothered me a bit was to hold back enthusiasm about the adorableness of little girls because seriously, how can you not rave about someone that looks like this:

???

And when your natural instinct to express your love for how much she gives you joy to see her, witholding that enthusiasm and giving into a "don't you love to hike?  I do!" doesn't quite convey how much it pleases you to see her face.

But what struck me the most about this article is that it neglects the research that I believe to ring true--that the main influence on a young girl's body image is in fact her relationship with her mother as well as her mother's own body image.  Do these young girls seeking ways to be more beautiful have mothers who are completely satisfied with their own looks (not sure this is fair to ask, is any woman?)

I read an article years ago about the influence of a mother's body image and got some great tips:

• Praise your own body in front of your daughter by saying things like "don't I look good in this swimsuit" or "doesn't this color look pretty on mommy?"  
• Avoid saying things like "I am fat" or referring to your dieting practices. 
• Stay focused on health

I will admit that this was very difficult for me at first, not really feeling like "mommy looks pretty in a swimsuit" ever.  And, perhaps looking at this cyclically, my mother had a very tortured relationship with her own body image and constantly complained that she was overweight--at a mere 120 lbs.  I have never once in my life looked at my body with any level of satisfaction.

But wanting to try something new with my own daughters, I have worked very hard to appreciate my own looks in front of them.  I feel that this has been very successful and the level of confidence my oldest daughter has is tremendous in comparison with where I was at her age a quarter of a century ago.

This whole theory was tested last week when my 8-year old, watching me zumba to a youtube video, asked "Mommy, did you ever think that you were fat?"

YES!!! I STILL DO!!! DON'T EAT THAT DONUT OR YOU WILL BE FAT TOO!!!

But rather than shout my true feelings, I did what any good mother does: lie.

"Well, honey, I see other women, like in this video, and I know my body does not look like that.  What I try to think about is keeping my body healthy with good exercise and healthy eating so that I can feel good about myself.  So I try not to look at other women and notice what I look like in comparison with them."

She seemed pleased with my response--I had to really refrain from asking her why-- I am not sure if she was asking me because she was worried about her own body or if she was thinking that I looked kind of fat, I just didn't have the mental space to handle her answer if she said "well you are kind of bigger than those girls" when I was in the middle of sweating up a storm to lose those 7 grad school pounds.

I have come a long way, baby.

The main point I wish to make here is that refraining from telling a girl she is beautiful because you do not want to reinforce what society says only works if everyone else is fighting that battle too, specifically, her mother.   But we cannot pretend that beauty is going to be less important over time if we all just stop complimenting young women on their looks.  So I propose a compromise, next time you want to squeal in delight at the young curly-haired girl at the dinner party:

1) Stick with a focus on the talent as the primary goal of the conversation

2) Still tell her she is beautiful, for what harm does it do for her to believe it about herself?

3) Compliment yourself in the conversation so she sees role models who are confident

Imagine this modified version of the conversation:

"Look at this beautiful child!!! What are you reading beautiful child with the yummy curls?  I LOVE books too."  And when she says that she reads books all by herself?  You say "Are you kidding me?  You read a book by yourself?  Age 5?  That is completely awesome and actually pretty rare." 

And as you are telling her about the book you wrote, the success you experienced as a professional woman and your favorite color somehow comes up, why not throw in a "...which is why I wore this green dress because really, don't I look fabulous?"

I want girls to understand that their talents, intellect, and hard work are key to confidence and identity. But I also want them to feel confident enough in their looks to allow them to put their talents on the front page and hearing other women say that they are beautiful (even when we perhaps are not) seems to me to be a much better way to respond to our own instincts about complimenting a cute face while raising healthy girls.

Paleo Review

So I have been doing this paleo thingy--here is a summary based off of this site

It is a somewhat scientifically untested diet but based on an interesting theory that our bodies have not evolved to handle all the processed stuff, many refer to it as the cave man diet.  Some people think it is like Atkins, but it isn't--the meats are lean, they focus more on veggies and I don't recall Atkins people cutting out grains.

I am sure I have blogged about in the past, but as a refresher, every year from October to December 25, I don't eat sugar or refined flour.  Or chocolate, but that is kind of redundant because I can't afford to buy chocolate that doesn't have sugar or flour.

Why do I do this?  Well, I use this dieting approach called attrition:

See that blue dot?  Well, if you are 30 and you weigh 150, you are somewhere in the 60th percentile for weight, kind of on the tubby side.  But if you wait it out at 150 for 10 years, suddenly, you find yourself hovering right above 50th.  If you wait it out for 10 more years at 150?  You drop down below, so suddenly you become trimmer than the average woman.  And all I really want is to be a little less fat than everyone else.  Isn't that the American Dream?  So I just need to maintain my weight in an effort to lose the appearance of weight each year.  Brilliant, no? (I don't know what I will do when I hit 70 and the average goes back down but I am thinking that is just because the older generation aren't as obese as we are so I am counting on that going back up as we age)

In my effort to win this normalizing war and shave off a few pounds during the holidays that I may have gained from my busiest travel season, I simply go without foods I really love.  Abstinence, very effective (mostly).

This year, I discovered that after 3 years of going without sugar and flour, I have replaced those foods with other yummy things that have rendered the change in my diet almost useless and I wasn't noticing any difference in my weight or the way I felt.

So this year I needed something different, a change that would help me shed those extra pounds and stick with my general short-term policy.

As a periodically avid pinterester, I had started to see reference to paleo recipes.  And aside from the cashew cheesecakes, most everything looked like good foods, things I believe in eating.  I started stalking browsing their forums and I was impressed by the paleo community.  They don't seem to be strict like other kinds of communities--no letter of the law involved for the most part.  In fact, the majority of the questions about "are we allowed to...?" on the paleo forums most often yield a "well, here are the reasons to avoid that food, but listen to your body to know if that food impacts you in a negative way."  Any community that goes with a more spirit of the law approach and encourages one to listen to the body sounds like one I could be a part of for awhile.

So I decided to try it.

The biggest changes for me?

Dairy products.  I didn't know I was eating so much cheese there, whoops! It was easy enough to give up, but made all my concoctions slightly less yummy.

Corn products.  Long ago I cut out corn syrup with very few exceptions and I haven't eaten the fake corn stuff from chicken nuggets or other hidden ingredients (thank you mucho to Michael Pollan for forcing me to read every single label ever).  But tortilla chips?  And yummy corn tortillas??? What the heck was I going to do about this one?  I did it, but it was hard.

Whole Wheat.  I thought this was going to be hard, but given that I think it impacts my reflux so I had cut back over the years, it was actually not too tough. Missed a few almond butter sandwiches, but I was strong.

Rice
What the.. no rice?  Do you know even KNOW how many foods contain rice?  Or how many tasty and healthy meals can be enhanced with rice?  And how rice makes everything cheaper?  Yes, I make quinoa but not a real replacement.  And I am not making no cauliflower rice.

The results?

Well, I did shave off a few pounds so good for me.  But, like any other change over a period of months, I learned a few things which were of value:

1) I used to have to blow my nose every morning.  Like, I would get up, get my drink of water and a box of kleenex.  Since I cut out the stuff, no problems.  After December 25 I have had a bit of ice cream and, whoops, blowing my nose again.  So, perhaps bye-bye to dairy for awhile.

2) I have completely lost my appetite for whole wheat flour.  I am even LESS tempted by processed flour (like flour tortillas, once a former favorite food even seems a little gross).

3) I have no idea what to eat now.  I love the paleo foods but they take so much effort!  So I have gotten into a rut with a few foods but I haven't come up with many "quick" dinners other than the same old soups that my kids are tolerating.  I have dropped certain habits but haven't picked up new ones, how annoying!

4) Eating right is expensive.  I don't care who you are or how amazing of a cook you are, I have come to the conclusion that unless you have unlimited time, eating right is costly.  I am not a woman of leisure who has hours to prepare food, I am full-time employee, full-time student, and full-time mother. I can either come home exhausted and then spend hours cooking or I can do something quick and expensive.  What would you choose?

5) I am still not going organic except for corn chips.  Sorry.  I am still not good enough at what I put in my body in general to get to that refined state of being.  If it is around the same price, I will do it, but other than that, count me out of that movement.

So I think I will stick with the no sugar policy, I like it, I feel good, and it keeps the weight off.

Moving forward I will keep most of what I gained from the paleo people and stick with mainly those foods, but I reintroduced the corn chips (organic to avoid the whole GMO thingy).

My resolution for the next several months is to require 30 minutes a day of exercise. I am hoping to keep the habit as long as possible before reality sets in.  If I can keep up the self-control of the food thing and then add the exercise, maybe I will feel great, stay trim, and beat the death threat of age 55 (average age in which my parents died) that my husband thinks I face.

Overall score for the paleo diet: 8 (until I get a few recipes under my belt).
Overall score for the paleo community: 10

My Miraculous Weight Loss Journey

Okay friends, it has been a long 5 month journey of changing my lifestyle and I wanted to record the heartwarming results of my hard work.

Feb:  I decide I need to lose weight.  Join weight watchers online

March: I successfully complete 5 weeks of weight watchers without going over points a single week. 

March:  Weight loss after 5 weeks: 0

April:  Have completely changed my eating habits and try to have predominately vegetables and fruit as my main courses, but relax on the points tracking.

April:  I start attending zumba classes 4-5 times a week in addition to doing strength training twice weekly.  When traveling, exercise in my hotel room daily.

April:  Weight loss after 9 weeks: 0

May:   Step up exercise to daily strength training and zumba classes at least once a day plus zumba routine at home.  When traveling try to walk average of 5 miles a day (easy in NYC) and exercise in hotel room.

May:  Weight loss after 14 weeks: 0
Other measures:

• Inches off waist: 0
• Inches off bust: -2 (figures)
• Inches off hips:  0
• Inches off legs: +4 inches.  That means I added 4 inches.
• Dress size:  Down 2 but I think that is because I haven't shopped for a long time and I think the sizes are getting bigger--today's 8 is yesterday's 10.

So.. does this make sense to anyone?  I go from an almost completely sedentary lifestyle where I am not watching what I eat to a fairly low calorie diet (at least compared to what it was) and then add 90 minutes of exercise (or more) most days and I haven't seen real results.  I am not trying to lose a bunch of weight, just a mere 5 pounds would be nice (that would put me in a healthy zone instead of overweight).

I have a before and after picture--same clothes.  There isn't a staggering difference between a year ago and now:

But here is the miracle--in spite of not having lost a drop, I feel so good about my exercise and eating.  I still could stand to cut back on a few things here and there (and when I travel I need to be better about portions) but I love the way I feel when I get done with my exercise classes and in spite of having an exorbitant amount of travel lately, I hardly feel the transitions that used to be very difficult for me.  I am actually feeling like I made a lifestyle change as opposed to being ON a diet. 

BUT I am going to try to go back to WW again and be religious about it for the next 8 weeks and see if I can put a dent in the scale.  Wish me luck, low-cal recipes and/or ideas on other techniques welcome.  Nothing that involves the word treatment please.