Dr. Fleming, I presume?

With little fanfare, Steve finished his Ph.D this term.  We haven't really celebrated in any big way and we haven't discussed the excitement it adds to our lives to have an actual, real doctor of Philosophy in the house.  

But the deed is done.  The degree in which we have invested our marriage together is now complete.  

Steve is in the process for searching for a job in between working on two books and regularly sharing his research and thinking online but in the end, it turns out that it has been about much more than that.

So here, in celebration of Dr. Steve and all that we have obtained through this process, is a list of things that we have learned while seeking the light at the end of the tunnel:

• The dad knows his children.  Not like "what is your favorite color" but things like shoe size (this is a big deal, ask the dad what the kid's shoe size is, very little known fact).  He knows books they have read, their preference in movies, and what they will and will not eat.  These are the things that moms usually know.  Because of his flexible schedule and my work, we have been able to create an at-home dad environment to the point that our youngest child thinks that normally dad's stay home and clean the house and mom's go off to work.  Nature v. Nurture mystery solved.

• We live with family.  What started out as a temporary solution to "where in the world is less expensive than Santa Barbara" turned into a convivienda  with the kids' grandparents.  We don't need to live here, we don't have an economic reason to live with Steve's parents, yet we find the experience to be tremendously rewarding.  More Americans should live with family, it just feels connected in a way that most people don't ever get to understand.  How many people get to take a spur of the moment trip to Yellowstone with their grandma because you happened to be upstairs when you mentioned you were going in two days?

• Steve is smart. Not in the "hey smarty pants" kind of way but in the "I know LOTS of stuff about stuff".  I have seen this graphic several times and whenever I encounter it, I chuckle.  I think it kind of feels true for a lot of people.  But the thing is, Steve also knows things like what is going on the world of politics, sports, entertainment, and Disney Corporation history. The man is a walking encyclopedia--so it only makes sense that he would have a Ph.D

• My lovely, lovely job.  Without Steve's program I would never have taken this on and never would have found the magic of a professional calling.  I have a team that I work with and love, dozens of other people that tremendously important to me and to my world, and I had no idea that I would love it so much.  I love working in schools and the satisfaction of knowing that what I do can make a difference.

So what is next for the Fleming family?  Our lifestyle seems to be holding strong.  We are waiting for various options for Steve as he continues to author his way through and I work doing what I love most to try to change the world.  If anything changes, we will let you know.

Economic Benefits of SAHMs

Several months ago someone posted this very thoughtful response to a woman who saw herself as a moocher because she hadn't contributed financially to the household.  I highly suggest you read the post.

Since I read it, I have had this post swirling in my head and today, after rereading what cannot be possibly real from Amy Glass , I am finally putting the thoughts together.

As a woman who works and travels a significant portion of the year (100 days or so) I feel like it is not those SAHMs, but rather I am actually the moocher off of these women.  Here are some representative examples:

• If I can't make it to soccer practice because I have a conference call, it is always a woman who is home with children who rescues me
• I get texts from these women who remind me about events at the school and get me signed up for volunteer opportunities I would have missed otherwise
• My children see these women as attentive and happy mothers and therefore my children have a positive experience with women who are at home in order for them to genuinely see it as a choice a woman can make
• Women who are at home with children during the day teach top quality dance and gymnastics classes at an almost embarrassingly low rate, just so kids in the neighborhood (like mine) can have the opportunity

A picture taken by one of my SAHM friends when I was out of town on soccer picture day.  Guess whose kid doesn't have a uniform shirt?

I am not the only one who benefits from these women, my entire community benefits.  The schools in the area have enough parent volunteers to provide an entire army of reading pals to support a school reading program for struggling readers to get extra help.  These same women are fundraising, carpooling to sporting and music events on behalf of children who are not their own, and volunteer hundreds of thousands of hours in soccer, the library and a half dozen other local programs.  

The city of Orem, in fact, has a pool of free, educated, skilled hands that are ready at a moments notice to help out.  Cities with large numbers of educated at-home mothers have access to local resources in ways that government spending can never compensate for regardless of the amount.

We are as a community, in a word, rich.  And often I wonder if the money that I earn working isn't as valuable as the time that these women volunteer.  I am not donating that kind of time to the community, I am simply reaping the rewards.

It is this reaping that makes me a moocher, a parasite on the women who without even blinking help me raise my children.

I do, however, also have some hope that these women benefit from my work as well.  I financially contribute to these same activities, maybe even a little more out of guilt for not being there in person.  I, too, am providing a role model of a woman who makes a choice.  A choice to work not for the money or because I have to, but because I feel a sense of purpose and love my profession.  I also believe that what I learn in my job I share with my community and I hope in small way that this is seen as a contribution too.

I think this whole mommy wars thing is made up.  We live symbiotically and collectively contribute to our children together. If there is a war, though, I might have to switch teams and hang out with the SAHMs because I bet their food storage is more organized.