Mother's Day Hopes

Bridget asked me what I wanted for Mother's Day and I gave the standard answer:

I want everyone to get along and be nice to each other, and our home to be filled with peace, love, and harmony.

The response:

We can't give you that, what do you want us to buy for you?

Junior High Humor

Dear, _______  Thank you for serving our country in the wars we are in. I am writing this to you because my teacher, your sister, assigned me to write this letter to you. What war are you serving in, Afghanistan or Iraq? I’ve heard that no one can send you any packages/gifts because otherwise your whole group gets punished. Are you already in the war or are you just training? If you’re just training then how soon will you be in the war? I’m sorry I am asking all these questions but all my teacher told me was that you were a soldier or were about to be one and that it was pretty tiring or hard. Hopefully you made some friends there otherwise I would feel bad for you because I probably wouldn’t last a day with all that training and without any good friends. You’re probably lucky I typed this because otherwise you probably couldn’t read my handwriting and would have a lot less words to read. By the way I’m in seventh grade and am at xx jr high school. You probably knew that I lived in Utah because most of your family lives here and to you it wouldn’t seem that your sister would leave Utah to get a job. Anyways my name is Casey and i’m probably the awesomest person that will ever write you a letter and you should feel bad for the other people who write you letters because whenever you see mine you’ll just think mine’s too cool for theirs’. I’m sorry that I am kind of bringing up random topics but I have to feel up my page for this assignment and it’s hard to think of stuff when your teacher doesn’t tell you much about the person you’re writing to. So, thank you for everything you’re doing right now by serving the best country in the world(you know the one, America) because we should win every war because we’ve have only lost one war and that’s because Vietnam are cheaters. I bet just having you, just one single person, will change the war because I bet you’re the best person and we would lose without you. That’s probably the reason we lost the Vietnam War, because they didn’t have you in it. I bet if I met you in person you would be cool because you’re sister is. Also I am not even going to know your name until a couple days because my teacher didn’t even tell me yet. That means your name after “Dear,” is going to be written like the day I send this letter. Even though this is the best letter ever you’re probably wasting your time reading this because you have other things to do and even the best things aren’t perfect. By the way those last five words are a pretty good lesson for life and on not being optimistic. But now is a good time to be optimistic because you are doing your duty in serving this war. I don’t feel bad that we can’t send packages to you because even if someone could send cookies to you or something they would probably become melted and gross. But of course you could handle that because you’re in the military and super macho. Oh yeah when you reply any other kids don’t forget to say sorry that mine is better than theirs. You probably think this letter is pathetic because I should be more serious and the whole reason I sent you this letter is because I should be thankful for you serving our country but I said it twice and if you knew me well you would think that that is pretty good because I’m not the nicest person I know. I’m really hoping you’re one of those guys who has a sense of humor otherwise I might not like you because humor and talking are my life. Please don’t get offended that I might not like you and that would be because you wouldn’t have a sense of humor but as you would know that people have their ways. Oh yes I’m almost done with this letter, you should forget that this is the best letter ever and I bet you’re as excited as me that this is over because you probably hated this. In the end  thank you for serving me, you and your family because this is America. (that was corny)      Sincerely, your half friend Casey P.S I ran out of room P.P.S Reply Please.

The Decision Matrix

I am trapped in the matrix of decision-making.

Now that I am a bit older, I care more about my health, and we have a tad more disposable income than previously experienced (well, until next week when we pay tuition for my Master's Program) my life's decisions have gotten more complicated.

There was a time when this was enough:

But those days are over.  When was the last time any of us actually bought Suave?

Right.

So I have decided that as I have aged the thought process that goes into even the smallest decisions for buying hair care, skin care, food, and clothing has evolved to the point that I can rarely feel good about buying much of anything.  But I am going to write this post to liberate myself and anyone else out there who feels constantly guilty about one of the following criteria:

--Affordability (do I have enough money for this thing?)
--Functionality (does it actually work?)
--Health (is it good for me?)
--Joy (do I like this thing?)
--Stewardship (is it good for the planet?)
--Humanity (were any humans hurt in the processing or packaging of this item?)


I have realized that I am not going to make all of those things happen in a single item, so what I am going to do is require myself to only think about THREE of these things at a time.

For example, one of my favorite products, something I buy weekly:

Let's analyze this by my old guilt:

Do I have enough money to buy this thing? YES

Does it work? YES (I feel good when I eat it)

Is it good for me? Complication. Stress. Yes, sort of, but it is not organic so is it kind of not good for me?

Do I like this thing? YES

Is it good for the planet? Complication. Stress. Yes, if it is locally grown but no if it is shipped. And if it is local, is organic? If it was local and organic, was it grown on a sustainable farm? If no, than it is not good for the planet.

Were any humans hurt in the processing or packaging? Don't know. There was no fair trade label, how do I discover this information?


Do I buy this thing?  Um.  So... we have three YES answers but in the old guilt, I have to feel bad about it not being organic, not being locally grown on a sustainable farm, and not knowing the labor practices of the farm from whence it hailed.  And I have to look something up on my phone while shopping, thereby slowing me down and making me question whether the other items in my cart are worth equal effort.

So let's try this again with the new matrix and a different item:

Can I *afford this thing?  YES
Does it work?  YES
Is it good for me? YES

Should I buy it?  YES.  I don't need to discover its origin or if it is environmentally friendly because I have already answered three questions in the affirmative.  

Feeling better?

Not me.  I still feel guilty.

So for all you libertarians out there, wouldn't it be nice if the government just limited all the non-environmentally friendly, non-humanitarian products?  My life would be so much easier. 

Happy shopping.


*Disclaimer:  My definition of affordability is different from my husband who would claim that this shampoo is not affordable.

Various kidlets

First, a detailed description of Meg's potty routine:



Second, a sample of the constant soundtrack that is my tweener son. 

In Which I Fight the Law and the Law Wins

I believe in being secure.  To be honest, I would probably volunteer to get a little tracking chip or device so that I don't have to sign papers anymore, I got no problem with that.

Because let's be truthful:  there are no secrets from Big Brother.

I was pulled over today for speeding for which I was granted a violation for going 29 mph.  My car goes 28 without even pushing on the gas, but that is a tale for another time.  And I got a warning from the police for:

• Failing to possess my license
• Failing to present my registration card
• And failure to present my insurance

Are these things crimes?  Yes, technically.

But WHY are they crimes exactly?

Because when the officer typed in my name, he had access to anything he wanted including my picture.  He knows I have paid my registration, he knows I have paid my insurance and in fact knows the date I moved to Utah and that I don't possess a Utah license (which he claims I was supposed to have obtained 60 days after taking up residence though the previous officer who pulled me over last year said that it didn't matter.)  Had I had those items would it have saved him time?  No!  Because he would have looked anyway to verify. 

As part of this rant, tet me tell you another tale, one that may strike fear into the hearts of you conspiracy theorist libertarian types:

I forgot my ID last flight to New York.  It was the first time in five years that I have forgotten my identification, I had left it at home in my wallet and as I was not driving (ahem, I clearly wouldn't drive without having it with me) and cooked chicken for 80 people hours before my flight I was distracted and forgot about it.

You may be wondering to yourself, how did you board the plane?? How did they let you fly to a city still haunted by the memory of terrorists?

How indeed. 

Lee:  (sheepishly to TSA officer)  Alas I have forgotten my DL.

TSA:  Ah.  Do you have a Costco card?

Lee:  Shoot, I usually carry that in the event I can get a 50-lb bag of flour on my trips but I have left it at home with my DL.

TSA:  Any other ID? 

Lee:  This health insurance card that belongs to my 7-year old and is misspelled.

TSA:  hmm.  What else?

Lee:  Ohh!  My Platinum Level Frequent Flyer Card

TSA:  Uh.Uh.

Lee:  Oh no!  What do we do now.

TSA:  Okay I am going to call a guy, he is going to ask you a series of questions and you just answer them. 

Lee:  Great!!

TSA questions (I am not giving answers, I don't need you people pretending to be me): 
Name anyone who lives with you.
What is that person's birthday?
What is the land line associated with your address?
Name a previous residence.
What are the last 4 digits of your social security?

Lee:  (Uh... uhh..... sweating, is Steve's birthday the 29th or 30th?  Wait, was that my dad's?)  Answering them all correctly.

TSA:   Okay, here is a piece of paper saying you are who you say you are.

Lee:  Ever so grateful, really for real! 

I was grateful.  And thankful that I didn't miss my flight.  I so appreciate the exception.

But you can see why I don't feel really guilty that I didn't have some piece of paper in my car when the government knows everything about me.  Really, more than I know perhaps.

In Spain people are afraid of a National Police State because of their history with Franco.  In Germany they live in fear of a dictator.  In the United States, though, we trust.  We trust our government and we don't really care if they know every dirty little secret about us and in fact write laws demanding personal information for the most basic applications.  We have no reason to believe our own government is out to get us so we don't say "hey, I am not giving you my annual income so you can give my kids free lunch!" We don't say "I am not filling out that information on my tax form!"

So why, WHY pretend like the government doesn't know everything about me?  Why warn me that I am not holding up some copied piece of paper that shows them what they know already?

But I do not fear abuse, the government is not organized or competent enough to launch any kind of large-scale conspiracy. 

I dream of a future in which a police officer doesn't bother to pull me over because he has waved a wand as I drove by and he knows that I have four children who wear seatbelts, I obey the law in general and I am running 1 minute late for school.  He knows the reason I don't have the required paperwork in my car is because it is sitting at home in a file called "to put in car."

And he spends his time hunting down the REAL criminals.
 

Mater Abscondita

In honor of the late Dr. Seuss and the celebration of his birthday this month, a friend of mine posted an article about the Cat in the Hat and the secret underlying theme of mater abscondita.

What is mater abscondita?  In the words of the immortal Black Adder, she, sir, is me.

Mater abscondita= the mater hath taken off.

My travel over time has led me, and I think others too,  to question my ability to commit to various branches of my life: my marriage, my children, my friends, my religious life (though never my work).

But unlike the mother in the Seuss tale, I am not leaving my children with a fish but with their father.  As a very kind friend pointed out to me yesterday, 'tis a great gift that Steve is able to be involved so intricately in the day-to-day life of the kids.  He has attended every parent teacher conference of the last 5 years, he knows the clothing and shoe size of every child, he knows what they eat in their lunch (and whether they like it) and he has never missed a performance of any kind.  Would that be the case if I were running the show?

And in the back of my mind I wonder if my children would actually be worse off if I were mater praesentis?  Would I be angrier, less attentive, and more easily frustrated?  Is my frequent absence  actually a secret boon to my children?  Am I saving them thousands of dollars in therapy by only criticizing them 20 days a month instead of 30?

But this is the one thing I have in common with mothers who are home every night, lovingly putting their children to bed:  guilt.  So while I can question my absence or my presence and its affects on my children, I know that this internal dialogue is not radically different from other women who question their own priorities and failings. 

After all, the mother in the story could be just as easily going out to self-indulge as she could be saving the world.

. 

Life changing lipstick

This stuff stays on all day, after eating, drinking, and running intense meetings. In the morning? Still there. Pretty incredible.

Now I don't have to worry about looking dead.