On Taking a Position as a Principal

A few weeks ago I finished facilitating a session at my 4^th year of a Leadership Training and this year, over half of the attendees were from districts adding not one but multiple New Tech schools.  I love seeing this effort expand and see the influence that these communities have and will continue to have on national education.  It took a long time to get here, but the evolution of K-12 work has come directly from schools demanding support, exciting work that has evolved over the years.  

And yet, the more I see this transformation taking place, I cannot help but feel a longing to return to a school setting.  Each time I meet a community, I feel connected to the people and want to stay and work with them.  It is hard to leave these communities and know that I might not ever make it back to see the results of their planning and implementation.

The more students and educators that I meet across the Network, the more that I feel the pull of one community, one place to serve and share what I have learned from the network and put down my own roots in a neighborhood school.

As I think about all of the leaders I have known in schools, I am moved and inspired by their examples.  I have watched them struggle to balance work with life, face disappointment at the missteps of just one student, strive to learn and grow continually, and celebrate every success.   It has been an honor to know these individuals and the best way to repay that gift is to take what I see as the best of those efforts and make them my own.

As I have learned from these educators, I have also started to collect the characteristics of the ideal setting for me. Those characteristics have serendipitously come together in one community where I will be honored to serve as the new principal starting March 16^th: Bonsall High School in North County San Diego, California.  Bonsall offers:

• A smaller school district where I can learn the district office structures more quickly
• A district leader that values partnership with schools and wants to collaboratively solve problems together
• A neighborhood school where all students have access to the kind of outcomes that will lead them to a successful future
• A new high school still in implementation so I can grow with the school community
• A small, family friendly community for my own children to land softly
• Within driving distance of multiple universities where my husband can pursue his own career
• Close enough to our family and friends that I can drive home for the holidays

I didn’t know that it would be possible to find all these characteristics in one place and in fact, Bonsall HS is the only school in the country that has this particular collection of attributes for me.  I know that there will still be challenges serving in this role, but I also know that everything has aligned in the right time and space for me to take this position.  I have been warmly welcomed by the district and school staff and look forward to getting to know the students and parents of this beautiful community in the coming months.  I can only hope that I will be able to serve them well and attend to their needs to the best of my ability.

On Having Best Friends

I have been lucky in my life to have many best friends rather than that one single best friend (well, okay, I do have a single best friend, but we are the kind of friends that haven't lived within reasonable driving distance since college and she is running her own internet party these days while I am traveling around the country making our overlap time limited).

I refer to these other friends as my LOCAL best friend because each place we have moved, I have had a special friend in my neighborhood that has permanently changed characteristics about myself.

These women are amazing individuals like..

Amy through whom I have lived vicariously as she travels around the world doing good.  I think she is currently in Brazil trying to push women's soccer while teaching science to adolescents.

Kate who taught me about volleyball, art, and a positive attitude in every circumstance.

Shima, who I can't really talk about because she is an internet recluse and probably doesn't want me to use her real name.  I at least can share that she is one of the most generous people I have ever known.

Amanda who cannot be pinned down on social media because she is in the real world floating around serving friends and neighbors constantly in spite having five children and an extraordinarily large number of talents that are in high demand.

Katie who can walk into a room, learn obscure facts from everyone in the room, and then leave without having shared a single tidbit about herself.  She taught me that genuine curiosity and interest in another person makes a soul feel loved and cared for like nothing else.

My undisputed local best friend since moving to Utah has been the amazing Diana Larsen.  Since today is her birthday, I wish to dedicate the rest of this post to her exclusively.

Here she is in all her glory on the Pioneer Trek.  The perfect way to honor her as it represents a time in which, in spite of her busy schedule, dropped everything to help me get ready:

Moving to Utah Valley is really hard.  I mean, if you have a large family, it is an astoundingly wonderful place to raise children and beautiful as it can possibly be.  It is not difficult in the sense that life is hard, but because everyone has a large extended family and therefore no time for friends, it takes awhile to break in to the crowd.

Diana is an exception to this rule.  Not in the busy factor--she has a large extended family that lives locally and she even cares for her nieces and nephews on most days of the week.  She lives in the same neighborhood where she grew up and knows everyone in the zipcode. If you go anywhere in public with her, you are likely to run into several people that she has known forever.  Where Diana is an exception is that she befriends you instantly.  She doesn't actually care what you know, who you are, how weird you are, or where you came from--she is in.  She is in your inner circle and she doesn't even think twice about whether you deserve it.  You could be a stranger in the grocery store and after five minutes of chatting with her in line feel like you have this magical new friend.

What I find particularly intriguing about Diana is her tireless dedication to the community.  In the few years that I have known her, this is what I have seen:

• School service.  She attends PTA meetings and signs up to help out, not just projects to put in your time, but ongoing.  She has volunteered in every possible way at the local elementary school and I wouldn't be surprised if someone actually handed her a master key one day.
• Church service.  Diana is the president of our Young Women's organization currently--but she continues to volunteer to help out in any way needed.  With ten minute notice she is up and running with a plate of goodies, a meal for 60 people, or collecting a minion of helpers who know they better show because she has shown up for them so many times.  For the last five years, she has also led the efforts for the week-long Girls Camp and is incomparable.
• Constant attention to her family.  While she is off giving service to everyone and every organization around town, she never stops thinking about her kids.  She picks and drops them off from school everyday (Diana, WHY do you do this??) She provides them with constant enrichment like sports and art classes, schedules fun outings for every holiday and weekend, and is generally one of the most nurturing mothers I have met in spite of a wicked sarcasm that runs through her daily dialogue.  See this shot of a typical fun night for the Larsens.  Note they aren't just at a game, they have to have those crazy glowing lights too.
• Feeling bad for everyone who is struggling.  I have received more than one call from her saying "let's just run over and do x for this person, I feel really badly that I haven't done anything yet." She feels this way about the entire neighborhood, for whom she feels a real sense of stewardship and duty.
• Loving every kid she knows.  Any time someone comments negatively about a child that she knows, she usually just says "I LOVE that kid.  He is hilarious."  She feeds the high school kids at lunch, hosts playdates nonstop and generally speaking always has a kid around.  My daughters are constantly asking if they can just go "hang at Diana's" as though she is one of their personal friends.  

I am grateful for all of these things that she demonstrates to me on a regular basis, but she is also the first real friend I have had who has earned her education through real world application.  All of my other best friends I met while in college, teaching, or grad school living and therefore were more formally educated.  Diana is one of the most intelligent women that I know and she has come by her skills by hard work and her own two hands.  

When I first got to know her, through Girls Camp one year, I felt so inadequate--she had this set of skills that I definitely had not developed in my article-reading/podcast listening world.  She was able to whip together food for a crowd in minutes--and the food tasted amazing.  I always thought you had to spend a lot of money to get a decent meal, but she somehow manages to frugally provide an enviable spread.  Yet she is always willing to let others help.  She never once said "hey idiot, don't you know how to work a camp stove?" but instead simply showed me how to do things.  I credit her 100% with my solo camping adventure in which I slow cooked ribs in a dutch oven over coals (her equipment of course).  I even incompetently provided her 9-year old with a slippery, freshly-sharpened chef's knife to open a package of bacon and he promptly sliced his fingers--but she forgave me because she is that kind of friend.  It isn't just the food--her event management, planning for activities, thinking about how to let other people develop, and general ability to have fun in a crowd sets her apart.  

I cannot say enough about what she has done for me personally, taking my kids here or there, reminding me about school events, dragging me places that I need to, but don't always want to go, or letting me know about a community event.  We have been on marching band field trips together, served side by side at some scheme or other, and enjoyed a few traditions of our own making together.  

I am so thankful that she is a "more the merrier" kind of person that welcomed me into her fold in spite of my excessive travel and I know that I have forever been changed because of her presence in my life.  Happy, happy birthday Diana.  Try to think about yourself for a few minutes today. 

Dr. Fleming, I presume?

With little fanfare, Steve finished his Ph.D this term.  We haven't really celebrated in any big way and we haven't discussed the excitement it adds to our lives to have an actual, real doctor of Philosophy in the house.  

But the deed is done.  The degree in which we have invested our marriage together is now complete.  

Steve is in the process for searching for a job in between working on two books and regularly sharing his research and thinking online but in the end, it turns out that it has been about much more than that.

So here, in celebration of Dr. Steve and all that we have obtained through this process, is a list of things that we have learned while seeking the light at the end of the tunnel:

• The dad knows his children.  Not like "what is your favorite color" but things like shoe size (this is a big deal, ask the dad what the kid's shoe size is, very little known fact).  He knows books they have read, their preference in movies, and what they will and will not eat.  These are the things that moms usually know.  Because of his flexible schedule and my work, we have been able to create an at-home dad environment to the point that our youngest child thinks that normally dad's stay home and clean the house and mom's go off to work.  Nature v. Nurture mystery solved.

• We live with family.  What started out as a temporary solution to "where in the world is less expensive than Santa Barbara" turned into a convivienda  with the kids' grandparents.  We don't need to live here, we don't have an economic reason to live with Steve's parents, yet we find the experience to be tremendously rewarding.  More Americans should live with family, it just feels connected in a way that most people don't ever get to understand.  How many people get to take a spur of the moment trip to Yellowstone with their grandma because you happened to be upstairs when you mentioned you were going in two days?

• Steve is smart. Not in the "hey smarty pants" kind of way but in the "I know LOTS of stuff about stuff".  I have seen this graphic several times and whenever I encounter it, I chuckle.  I think it kind of feels true for a lot of people.  But the thing is, Steve also knows things like what is going on the world of politics, sports, entertainment, and Disney Corporation history. The man is a walking encyclopedia--so it only makes sense that he would have a Ph.D

• My lovely, lovely job.  Without Steve's program I would never have taken this on and never would have found the magic of a professional calling.  I have a team that I work with and love, dozens of other people that tremendously important to me and to my world, and I had no idea that I would love it so much.  I love working in schools and the satisfaction of knowing that what I do can make a difference.

So what is next for the Fleming family?  Our lifestyle seems to be holding strong.  We are waiting for various options for Steve as he continues to author his way through and I work doing what I love most to try to change the world.  If anything changes, we will let you know.

Economic Benefits of SAHMs

Several months ago someone posted this very thoughtful response to a woman who saw herself as a moocher because she hadn't contributed financially to the household.  I highly suggest you read the post.

Since I read it, I have had this post swirling in my head and today, after rereading what cannot be possibly real from Amy Glass , I am finally putting the thoughts together.

As a woman who works and travels a significant portion of the year (100 days or so) I feel like it is not those SAHMs, but rather I am actually the moocher off of these women.  Here are some representative examples:

• If I can't make it to soccer practice because I have a conference call, it is always a woman who is home with children who rescues me
• I get texts from these women who remind me about events at the school and get me signed up for volunteer opportunities I would have missed otherwise
• My children see these women as attentive and happy mothers and therefore my children have a positive experience with women who are at home in order for them to genuinely see it as a choice a woman can make
• Women who are at home with children during the day teach top quality dance and gymnastics classes at an almost embarrassingly low rate, just so kids in the neighborhood (like mine) can have the opportunity

A picture taken by one of my SAHM friends when I was out of town on soccer picture day.  Guess whose kid doesn't have a uniform shirt?

I am not the only one who benefits from these women, my entire community benefits.  The schools in the area have enough parent volunteers to provide an entire army of reading pals to support a school reading program for struggling readers to get extra help.  These same women are fundraising, carpooling to sporting and music events on behalf of children who are not their own, and volunteer hundreds of thousands of hours in soccer, the library and a half dozen other local programs.  

The city of Orem, in fact, has a pool of free, educated, skilled hands that are ready at a moments notice to help out.  Cities with large numbers of educated at-home mothers have access to local resources in ways that government spending can never compensate for regardless of the amount.

We are as a community, in a word, rich.  And often I wonder if the money that I earn working isn't as valuable as the time that these women volunteer.  I am not donating that kind of time to the community, I am simply reaping the rewards.

It is this reaping that makes me a moocher, a parasite on the women who without even blinking help me raise my children.

I do, however, also have some hope that these women benefit from my work as well.  I financially contribute to these same activities, maybe even a little more out of guilt for not being there in person.  I, too, am providing a role model of a woman who makes a choice.  A choice to work not for the money or because I have to, but because I feel a sense of purpose and love my profession.  I also believe that what I learn in my job I share with my community and I hope in small way that this is seen as a contribution too.

I think this whole mommy wars thing is made up.  We live symbiotically and collectively contribute to our children together. If there is a war, though, I might have to switch teams and hang out with the SAHMs because I bet their food storage is more organized.

For Posterity (and Rainy Days)

We've had bad luck with our kids.--they've all grown up.  
-Christopher Morley



Yesterday I woke up to a lovely poem on my nephew's 17th birthday:

This is what my nephew looks like now:

Yikes!!! I think I am getting older because I am in the same place these days.  My son is only 14, but I am feeling a similar nostalgia about him aging and going away.  I am recording this today as proof that having 4 small children actually pays off at some point.  I remember when a friend of mine had her first baby she said something like "You know before I had kids, I thought it was going to be 90% and 10% fun.  But when I actually had a baby, it turns out it was 10% work and 90% fun."  When she said that I thought she was so sweet but a little crazy.  It IS 90% work!!! 

But now, now that my youngest child is in kinder, I am getting there.  I still feel that my younger kids are high levels of work--they are always wanting things like food and help finding shoes.  But my older children, wow, what a sweet payoff.

They used to ask for stuff.  When they were this size:

But lately, when they call and ask "hey can I stay at my friend's house?"  I feel like saying "No!!! come hang out with me!!!" But I don't really have a reason to say no, so I just say "I guess.  Be home by 5:30."  

Because this is what it is like to hang out with them now:

And the feeling is bittersweet--because just as I like them more, they like other people more.  Just as I want to hang out with them and play games or watch youtube videos of stupid music videos from my childhood, they want to come home late from doing more fun things with their friends.

Soon enough, these wonderful little children will become actual adults and move out while I will be left wondering why I found cooking dinner such a chore after all.

I suppose having 4 children at least gives me a little extra time because while they are still asking for stuff and needing stuff, they are getting pretty fun too:

And even now, as I am posting this, I am worried about my kids' grades, their friendships, and developing the spirituality in my children.  But when Jenny posted her poem about her oldest child, it gave me a fleeting glance into my own future in which I am reluctant to let my kids go, I am devastated that they are leaving me and my first act as an empty nester is to show up on the doorstep of some poor child of mine and say "Hey, come home and watch this Jimmy Fallon bit with me."  

And their roommates will look them in the eye and whisper "Make sure she takes you food shopping while you are out."

Girl's Camp

I spent a week at camp Mia Shalom:

It was the first time in a long time that I went an entire week without technology.  The first little bit I was actually imagining the chime of my IM or the feel of my phone on vibrate, a phantom phone.

But once I settled in, it was kind of painful to come back to society.  I missed my husband and children of course, but since I had one of my children with me:

I think I could have stayed another week.  A few things came out of my experience:

1) I want to learn how to build an awesome fire.  I think I am going to try to take the family camping, just so I can burn a huge fire.  A man came with us for the week to help us out and he was like, the firestarter of the universe.  One night I think we used somewhere around 60 logs for a single fire.  It was epic.

2) I like teenagers.  I was reminded of why I liked teaching, all the beautiful opportunities you have to actually teach something in a small moment and the very immediate reminder about whether it worked.

3) I like being around other women.  We had our own cabin for leaders and it was so nice to just hang out sometimes.  

4) I like working.  If it seemed like something needed to be done, it made me happy to do it.  I preferred cooking and cleaning to sitting in all cases.

5) Camp food can be awesome.  Our camp director was the best meal planner, the way she organized food for 30 people without batting an eye (and with leftovers) was kind of crazy.  We had Cafe Rio imitation chicken, we had a J-Dawgs hotdog (Costco hotdogs with J-Dawgs sauce), and a serious dessert every day.  It is a miracle I only gained 2 pounds.

6) I love singing.  I wish we sat around and sang with guitars more.

SAHD

Most of you know that Steve has been home with the kids for most of our marriage--not that he hasn't had plenty to do as a full-time student which he has been for much of that time, but he has also taken on the responsibility of being the primary care giver in our home for the days I am gone or when I am home and on the phone (which seems like a large percentage of the time.) This year, he had to step it up as a full-time student dissertating while I pursued a Master's Degree and was gone even more than normal.

One might wonder what Steve does when I am out of town.  Does he cook?  Clean?  Do the dishes?  Laundry?  What kinds of activities does he do with the kids?

In a world in which we still make a big deal about men who know what to do with their kids, it can surprise people to know that I never do laundry yet it is always clean and put away and there are no piles of dirty clothes around.  The children are not starving when I come home as evidenced by their yummy chubby faces and the dishes seem to be just as clean when I am here as when I return from being gone.

As for the activities, this is where his parenting gets a little questionable.  Often when I come home from being out of town, I encounter strange new possessions that arrived in my absence.  Things like this:

I know that some of you recognize the life-sized bear from Costco.  We own one.  Actually, we own two:

My sister-in-law suggested that they look like passed out frat boys in the middle of the night (you may recall a similar post I made about it awhile back).

These bears also have a little friend that arrived later one, a little  big stuffed sheep.  I tried to take a pictures so you can get a sense of scale, but the thing is larger than a standard pillow.

These large stuffed animals are a nuisance, but never before has something shown up that has been as disruptive as these three two ratoncitos. 

They purchased three but Steve decided it was one too many and returned one without consulting the girls, it was very traumatic for poor little Gillian

In a sad turn of events, however, one of the little rats got very ill with pneumonia and a side of my beloved husband came out that reminded me of why I married him.  He put the rat cage in the bathroom and turned up the water to provide a steam room for the sick rat.  And in spite of his eternal cheapness and the lack of return on his investment ($5 dollar rat: $50 vet trip) he took the sick pet to the veterinarian to make sure that the animal was cared for properly.  In watching him make sure this little animal was going to survive, I couldn't help but forgive all of his crazy antics when I am out of town. 

To you, my love, on your birthday, thank you for all that you are to our family.

Beauty and the Teen

A friend of mine posted an article on the facebook today entitled How to Talk to Little Girls.  Certainly I concur with the author's point about the problem facing young women and an overemphasis on beauty.  It also sits well with me to encourage a young woman to develop her other talents and develop her mind.

But what bothered me a bit was to hold back enthusiasm about the adorableness of little girls because seriously, how can you not rave about someone that looks like this:

???

And when your natural instinct to express your love for how much she gives you joy to see her, witholding that enthusiasm and giving into a "don't you love to hike?  I do!" doesn't quite convey how much it pleases you to see her face.

But what struck me the most about this article is that it neglects the research that I believe to ring true--that the main influence on a young girl's body image is in fact her relationship with her mother as well as her mother's own body image.  Do these young girls seeking ways to be more beautiful have mothers who are completely satisfied with their own looks (not sure this is fair to ask, is any woman?)

I read an article years ago about the influence of a mother's body image and got some great tips:

• Praise your own body in front of your daughter by saying things like "don't I look good in this swimsuit" or "doesn't this color look pretty on mommy?"  
• Avoid saying things like "I am fat" or referring to your dieting practices. 
• Stay focused on health

I will admit that this was very difficult for me at first, not really feeling like "mommy looks pretty in a swimsuit" ever.  And, perhaps looking at this cyclically, my mother had a very tortured relationship with her own body image and constantly complained that she was overweight--at a mere 120 lbs.  I have never once in my life looked at my body with any level of satisfaction.

But wanting to try something new with my own daughters, I have worked very hard to appreciate my own looks in front of them.  I feel that this has been very successful and the level of confidence my oldest daughter has is tremendous in comparison with where I was at her age a quarter of a century ago.

This whole theory was tested last week when my 8-year old, watching me zumba to a youtube video, asked "Mommy, did you ever think that you were fat?"

YES!!! I STILL DO!!! DON'T EAT THAT DONUT OR YOU WILL BE FAT TOO!!!

But rather than shout my true feelings, I did what any good mother does: lie.

"Well, honey, I see other women, like in this video, and I know my body does not look like that.  What I try to think about is keeping my body healthy with good exercise and healthy eating so that I can feel good about myself.  So I try not to look at other women and notice what I look like in comparison with them."

She seemed pleased with my response--I had to really refrain from asking her why-- I am not sure if she was asking me because she was worried about her own body or if she was thinking that I looked kind of fat, I just didn't have the mental space to handle her answer if she said "well you are kind of bigger than those girls" when I was in the middle of sweating up a storm to lose those 7 grad school pounds.

I have come a long way, baby.

The main point I wish to make here is that refraining from telling a girl she is beautiful because you do not want to reinforce what society says only works if everyone else is fighting that battle too, specifically, her mother.   But we cannot pretend that beauty is going to be less important over time if we all just stop complimenting young women on their looks.  So I propose a compromise, next time you want to squeal in delight at the young curly-haired girl at the dinner party:

1) Stick with a focus on the talent as the primary goal of the conversation

2) Still tell her she is beautiful, for what harm does it do for her to believe it about herself?

3) Compliment yourself in the conversation so she sees role models who are confident

Imagine this modified version of the conversation:

"Look at this beautiful child!!! What are you reading beautiful child with the yummy curls?  I LOVE books too."  And when she says that she reads books all by herself?  You say "Are you kidding me?  You read a book by yourself?  Age 5?  That is completely awesome and actually pretty rare." 

And as you are telling her about the book you wrote, the success you experienced as a professional woman and your favorite color somehow comes up, why not throw in a "...which is why I wore this green dress because really, don't I look fabulous?"

I want girls to understand that their talents, intellect, and hard work are key to confidence and identity. But I also want them to feel confident enough in their looks to allow them to put their talents on the front page and hearing other women say that they are beautiful (even when we perhaps are not) seems to me to be a much better way to respond to our own instincts about complimenting a cute face while raising healthy girls.

President Obama Validates My Life's Work

So yesterday was a pretty big day for me.  First of all, has anyone seen anyone this good-looking in real life before?

Those three guys are okay too.

Anyway, it was kind of funny to see these famosos because it happened immediately following a major career high.


If you want to know why yesterday was so awesome, like tearfully awesome, you need to watch this video starting at 9:40.  And then imagine you are in a room full of people who you have worked with anywhere from the last year to the last decade.  People who helped you learn about the most amazing possibilities and who believed that a single small school in Northern California could be a model for the rest of the country.  Places like Manor, Texas:





It might just be me, but didn't that sound really compelling? And you know what? What he says here? This is really happening--not just here, but in schools across the country. And don't you want your kid in one of these schools? I sure do. So to all my @newtechnetwork friends, thank you for all the work you personally have done that led to this moment for us as a national movement. For my friends who have supported me while I travel so much, I hope this clarifies the urgency that pulls me periodically away from my family.  The more we can create this kind of community, the more hope I personally have for the future of all of our communities and preparing our kids for the world that will await them.

Even if you didn't vote for Obama, pretty cool, eh?

To My Body, With Gratitude

My dearest round little body,

You are my greatest friend and ally.

My feet who continue to support my increasing berth.

My legs who continue to push me when sleeping has been fitful, on a redeye flight, or interrupted by bloodcurdling screams from the hotel room next door.

My hands that type endlessly, drive rental cars at midnight, gesture with clarity to let people know where they stand with me and then still have the energy to sign my name over, and over, and over again.

My eyes that continue to see far, that without support of any kind, allow me to see the majestic mountains in the morning, the 10,000 foot view of farm fields from an airplane, my beautiful children's faces, and wondrous sunsets.

My stomach, that goes hours without any fuel and then fills up too quickly with ill-timed meals that are not quite right.

My mind that energizes me with funny things to think, surgically takes apart all conversation around me and then processes my thoughts in such familiar ways.

My mouth that generates words that execute all that I want to say and in exactly the way that will reflect who I am perfectly.

My heart that beats with steady perfection and continues to fill me with a feeling of warmth and love for   the people of my world.

I am sorry that I let you fall in that parking lot, that in my distracted and tired state of mind, I allowed you to slam to the ground in such an ungraceful way and leave an asphalt mark in too many little places.  I am sorry for the high heels, I am sorry for the cell phone in my face, and I am most of all sorry that I gave you no attention in any way over the last week.  I know, I owe you.

But you have beautifully managed a recovery and reminded me that with you I am nothing. Please, let me have just a few more decades with you and let me remember to treat you with more kindness and caring because in spite of all of the other relationships I have in this world, you are truly the one who has been the most there for me.

Fairness and Equity (or, Teachable Moments Gone Bad)

Last night I made the mistake of trying to teach my children about equity and justice by taking advantage of a "teachable moment" when my eldest daughter's civil disobedience took the form of dereliction of duty on her chores.

Bridget didn't understand why she had to do her chore three times (dishes) and her brother only did his twice (cleaning off the counter tops).

The following conversation ensued:

Mom: Look, it is spring break, you are generating more dishes so when it is your day to do that job, you will do it more frequently.  So will the person who is on garbage, that is just the way it works.  I believe in equity, not fairness.

Bridget:  What is the difference?

Mom:  Equity means that every person has an equal shot at society (this is where I start to degenerate and change the point of my argument with her).  Say a family has their house burn down, the parents both lose their jobs, and the kids don't have anything to eat.  Then another family, with parents who have a good job and a big house, they are eating a frosty for dessert (gesturing to our own frosty desserts on the table).  They both go to the food bank, who should get the dinner?

Bridget:  They both should get the same amount (said with sarcasm).

Mom: You are a jerk.  I am not raising kids who believe that.

Casey:  That is a bad example.

Bridget:  Why would the rich family be at the food bank?

Casey: Duh, because they are giving the food bank food

Steve:  Wait, what if they are at the food bank because they feel entitled and just want more food?

Bridget: No, let me give you an example, there is a short guy, a medium guy, and a tall guy.  There are all these crates and they are trying to watch a game.  They each get a crate.  And then someone comes along and says "Hey, those guys didn't even buy tickets to watch the game, why are they getting to watch it for free?"

Needless to say, I did the dishes myself (though I did guilt trip her the entire time, resulting in a clean living room.)

Ode to My Students

I have been touched by your kids... and I'm pretty sure that I've touched them.
-Dewey Finn, School of Rock

You know how you read online these warm and touching stories about teachers?  Well, I have never google searched it, but I don't often read heart-warming stories about how students have impacted the life of a teacher even though I believe it happens just as often, if not more.

I have blogged about what I learned from some of my students before (my journey learning about race) and you often hear about how a student, particularly a struggling student shames a teacher into repentance. Has anyone read the story that circulates about Teddy and how he gave his teacher some perfume that she thought was trashy until she found out his mother died?  I hate that story and I think most educators should if they think it is okay to take delight in failing students until you find out they have a deceased parent, are you serious people?

Well I am here to confess that I didn't go into teaching to inspire people, I went into teaching because I was moved by the young people I taught myself.

In another blog post (Paragraph 6) I wrote about my beginning teaching experience in LA Unified.  I often describe that time as like one of those movies (Dangerous Minds or Lean on Me) but without the inspiring teacher part.

I could write a novel on students that I taught in Delhi and how much I loved them as individuals and that I still remember my first experience when someone cheated on a test and I was shocked into reality that it wasn't a violation of the ed code.  Or how a student told me that he already made more money than me as a 15-year old drug dealer.  Or showing up at the house of three punk kids I loved because they stayed home from my boring summer school class in favor of playing video games.  Or how I became so close with some of the students there that it nearly broke my heart to leave the school when we moved.

But today I want to write about Stacee.  See that picture at the top?  The centerpiece to that picture with the white shirt and long hair? Stacee died this last weekend.  It was a jolt to me, to lose a young person--as a teacher, you are supposed to die before your students, all of them.  I sometimes live in fear--when I get a request on facebook from a name that is only vaguely familiar, am I forgetting my students?  Is this person someone who I really should know by name and face?  Will I forget the things that they taught me and the things that they said, and lose a piece of myself?

But when Stacee died, a sudden burst of memories came to me, a reminder of what a beautiful young lady she was, the times she made fun of me or her peers, the times she stunned me with her raw artistic talent, the times she scared me with how deeply she felt things.  I remembered my mistakes, I remembered her mistakes, and surprisingly, I remembered with perfect clarity being inspired by her on the first day of orientation:

We were standing in a group in the front of the room, a group of excited teachers introducing ourselves for the first time to parents and students in a pioneering school.  When the teachers came to stand up front, there was an audible murmuring about how young these teachers were.  And we were!  Tim, Kristen, Kris, Senna, Robin, Matt, Andy... we were all in the first 3 years of teaching, on the mature end of that spectrum.  Lorna had a few years on us and then Proctor--we don't count him though (sorry, once you get busted for drugs you are out of the picture, yo).  And while I had taught for a few years, I was still young.  And as we were introduced and I looked out on this sea of parents, a little shy that we didn't know what the ayche we were doing, I saw Stacee and Nicole, these two cute girls who I had met before the presentation, and I knew that we were going to be awesome.  I knew that these kids, especially the 10th graders, had left a secure and safe place in their previous school and pioneer or not, we had an obligation to do something for them.  It wasn't a teacher who inspired me in that moment, it was students, who gave me the inner strength to do the hard work.

I don't know why this stands out to me--but it is false to say that teaching is a thankless job.  It is fake to say that no one appreciates teachers.  That is bullcrap or no one would do it. It is the most appreciated job on the planet.  Every day I knew where I stood with my students, if they liked what I taught, if they learned in my classroom.  I knew if I had completely bored them to death, if I had not provided a safe enough environment, if I had wasted their time, or if they genuinely loved what they had done in my classroom.  I received gifts every holiday (once a group of students planned a surprise party for me during a particular class period), I received notes of appreciation, and was the recipient of random acts of kindness.  Most of all I was inspired.

By students who already knew everything but refused to be lazy, kids who had a killer work ethic.

By kids who had a better sense of humor, a stronger moral compass, a more righteous sense of justice.

By kids who didn't understand what they were saying but fought about it anyway.

By kids who didn't undersand what I was saying but fought about it anyway.

By kids who saw right through everything and realized that the system was not going to be on their side but gave it a go anyway.

By students, like Stacee, who had more talent by age 16 than most people will experience in a lifetime.

I am saddened by her departure, devastated on behalf of her family, but grateful too, that I knew someone like her.

That she reminds me that so much of the inspiration that happens in the classroom is generated not from the teachers, but the students themselves.

What is Important

Sometimes when I tell people about my travels, I get a response like this "Wow that must be nice."

When I get an upgrade, when I am stuck in a town due to weather delays or cancelled flights and I stay in an upgraded suite, dine on room service or Häagen Dazs ice cream, when the car rental company gives me the newest model of a black sleek car, and when I get to skip security it does feel like I get my own little mini-vacation.  I can't pretend like being alone in a hotel room with room service is "stressful" or "sensory overload" like my house often is on a regular basis.

And yesterday at church, someone posed the question: "What is your holy place?"  and I had to admit to myself that unlike some other women whose response is "the bathroom",  I actually have a quiet and peaceful place where I spend time on a regular basis.  That is since my "no TV" policy I established a few years ago (due to excessive Seinfelding at 11 every night).

But when I sit down to look at my travel schedule and find that I am going to be away from my family for at least some portion of the week for weeks on end, I wonder if it really is nice.

My children are growing up.  My two oldest are in fact away from home already much more than I anticipated, spending time with friends, or extra-curriculars and as they grow up, I miss them tremendously.  And I wonder what long-term effect my travels will have on my children.

Will they report to their therapist that their mother was always gone and neglected them or will their sense of independence and ability to make choices be greater and healthier psychologically?

Will I look back on my life and wonder if my sense of purpose was skewed in wanting to serve so many children over serving my own brood on a regular basis or will I feel a sense of satisfaction at having done both?

Will my husband look back on our marriage as a one-sided effort or will he feel closer to me because we made a great effort to spend time together precisely because of my schedule?

If I were working for a standard for-profit industry, I feel that the moral dilemma I face would not be so complicated.  Though I doubt I would be able to recognize it, I feel that in my heart I would know that my time of jet-setting was to come to an end once my husband had a job and we had another income.

But now, I can't imagine giving up the work I am engaging in nationally and by the way being paid for it any more than I can imagine not being a mother.  It is who I have become and who I want to be--so the question becomes even more complicated.  Were I not working for pay, I would still spend hundreds of hours a month in schools, school board meetings, or some other nefarious volunteerism.

As I recently said to a co-worker, we are all busy doing a certain number of things.  Some of us do more things and do them less effectively--I am one of these individuals.  No matter what anyone says, I am certain that my effort to raise my children is less efficacious than a woman who is at home with her children full-time.  I am positive that my home would be cleaner, my medical bills more organized, my budget in better shape and my church service would be greater.  I know I would be a better intern and grad student if I weren't doing 10 other things, a more committed friend and a less needy wife--but these are not the choices I have made.

What I still can't decide is whether more is less, or, as my mind and body insist, more is more.

Hampton Inn, I will see you this evening O my Holy Place.

Early Adopter

I bought myself a lovely new dishset from IKEA this weekend and I am thrilled to pieces about it.

Steve thinks it was a waste.

Anyway, I was trying to show it to someone today, and to my chagrin could not find it on their website.

But THEN I found a picture of it here:

And to my DELIGHT I discovered that they are new, as in 2013.  And I, a woman of no home and no decor of my own, have become an early adopter of IKEA dishware.

I just wanted to share.  Come over for dinner some time and try out my new dishes.

Paleo Review

So I have been doing this paleo thingy--here is a summary based off of this site

It is a somewhat scientifically untested diet but based on an interesting theory that our bodies have not evolved to handle all the processed stuff, many refer to it as the cave man diet.  Some people think it is like Atkins, but it isn't--the meats are lean, they focus more on veggies and I don't recall Atkins people cutting out grains.

I am sure I have blogged about in the past, but as a refresher, every year from October to December 25, I don't eat sugar or refined flour.  Or chocolate, but that is kind of redundant because I can't afford to buy chocolate that doesn't have sugar or flour.

Why do I do this?  Well, I use this dieting approach called attrition:

See that blue dot?  Well, if you are 30 and you weigh 150, you are somewhere in the 60th percentile for weight, kind of on the tubby side.  But if you wait it out at 150 for 10 years, suddenly, you find yourself hovering right above 50th.  If you wait it out for 10 more years at 150?  You drop down below, so suddenly you become trimmer than the average woman.  And all I really want is to be a little less fat than everyone else.  Isn't that the American Dream?  So I just need to maintain my weight in an effort to lose the appearance of weight each year.  Brilliant, no? (I don't know what I will do when I hit 70 and the average goes back down but I am thinking that is just because the older generation aren't as obese as we are so I am counting on that going back up as we age)

In my effort to win this normalizing war and shave off a few pounds during the holidays that I may have gained from my busiest travel season, I simply go without foods I really love.  Abstinence, very effective (mostly).

This year, I discovered that after 3 years of going without sugar and flour, I have replaced those foods with other yummy things that have rendered the change in my diet almost useless and I wasn't noticing any difference in my weight or the way I felt.

So this year I needed something different, a change that would help me shed those extra pounds and stick with my general short-term policy.

As a periodically avid pinterester, I had started to see reference to paleo recipes.  And aside from the cashew cheesecakes, most everything looked like good foods, things I believe in eating.  I started stalking browsing their forums and I was impressed by the paleo community.  They don't seem to be strict like other kinds of communities--no letter of the law involved for the most part.  In fact, the majority of the questions about "are we allowed to...?" on the paleo forums most often yield a "well, here are the reasons to avoid that food, but listen to your body to know if that food impacts you in a negative way."  Any community that goes with a more spirit of the law approach and encourages one to listen to the body sounds like one I could be a part of for awhile.

So I decided to try it.

The biggest changes for me?

Dairy products.  I didn't know I was eating so much cheese there, whoops! It was easy enough to give up, but made all my concoctions slightly less yummy.

Corn products.  Long ago I cut out corn syrup with very few exceptions and I haven't eaten the fake corn stuff from chicken nuggets or other hidden ingredients (thank you mucho to Michael Pollan for forcing me to read every single label ever).  But tortilla chips?  And yummy corn tortillas??? What the heck was I going to do about this one?  I did it, but it was hard.

Whole Wheat.  I thought this was going to be hard, but given that I think it impacts my reflux so I had cut back over the years, it was actually not too tough. Missed a few almond butter sandwiches, but I was strong.

Rice
What the.. no rice?  Do you know even KNOW how many foods contain rice?  Or how many tasty and healthy meals can be enhanced with rice?  And how rice makes everything cheaper?  Yes, I make quinoa but not a real replacement.  And I am not making no cauliflower rice.

The results?

Well, I did shave off a few pounds so good for me.  But, like any other change over a period of months, I learned a few things which were of value:

1) I used to have to blow my nose every morning.  Like, I would get up, get my drink of water and a box of kleenex.  Since I cut out the stuff, no problems.  After December 25 I have had a bit of ice cream and, whoops, blowing my nose again.  So, perhaps bye-bye to dairy for awhile.

2) I have completely lost my appetite for whole wheat flour.  I am even LESS tempted by processed flour (like flour tortillas, once a former favorite food even seems a little gross).

3) I have no idea what to eat now.  I love the paleo foods but they take so much effort!  So I have gotten into a rut with a few foods but I haven't come up with many "quick" dinners other than the same old soups that my kids are tolerating.  I have dropped certain habits but haven't picked up new ones, how annoying!

4) Eating right is expensive.  I don't care who you are or how amazing of a cook you are, I have come to the conclusion that unless you have unlimited time, eating right is costly.  I am not a woman of leisure who has hours to prepare food, I am full-time employee, full-time student, and full-time mother. I can either come home exhausted and then spend hours cooking or I can do something quick and expensive.  What would you choose?

5) I am still not going organic except for corn chips.  Sorry.  I am still not good enough at what I put in my body in general to get to that refined state of being.  If it is around the same price, I will do it, but other than that, count me out of that movement.

So I think I will stick with the no sugar policy, I like it, I feel good, and it keeps the weight off.

Moving forward I will keep most of what I gained from the paleo people and stick with mainly those foods, but I reintroduced the corn chips (organic to avoid the whole GMO thingy).

My resolution for the next several months is to require 30 minutes a day of exercise. I am hoping to keep the habit as long as possible before reality sets in.  If I can keep up the self-control of the food thing and then add the exercise, maybe I will feel great, stay trim, and beat the death threat of age 55 (average age in which my parents died) that my husband thinks I face.

Overall score for the paleo diet: 8 (until I get a few recipes under my belt).
Overall score for the paleo community: 10