Bear Parenting

"I used to have four theories about raising children.  Now I have four children, and no theories."

--Bill Moyers

I first heard about Tiger Parenting last week when Steve came home from a post-TA debrief session with his prof and another grad student.

I heard about it again this weekend when a friend of mine shared how excited some of the upper class of Santa Barbara are with this acknowledgment of how lazy Americans are in our parenting style.

So I had to do a little research myself to find out about this Tiger Parenting.

Amy Chua is apparently the author of the book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother which is basically the antithesis of everything I believe about good parenting--at a glance at least.  I have not read the book and I plan to do so to prove myself either wrong or right, but from what I have read here is the premise:

• Americans are lazy (true but useless information)
• Chinese mothers are superior because their children are performing at astronomically better rates in both academic and musical achievement
• Children must be taught that they should never be satisfied with the fruits of their labor or they will become lazy and unambitious
• Parents have the right to call their children a piece of garbage because it is motivational and effective

I am less disturbed by this theory of parenting (perhaps because I have seen the effects of it and thought it was a dying breed) than I am by what feels like an overwhelmingly positive response to it online.   Many people have come out and said "Finally! A book that speaks to me!"  When I looked it up on Amazon, it only received 3 stars which is undoubtedly a flat combination of the haters and those who see it as a manual on how to raise successful children.

I do not, however, wish to decry this method of parenting.  Though I personally find it distasteful and a violation of my spiritual belief that children are our equals in spirit whose care has been entrusted to us to teach them to be able to choose right from wrong on their own, I think that many believe happiness is something different than my own definition.

My definition of happiness: Feeling fulfilled by the choices you make and being motivated to grow and learn about what you do with your time, which hopefully you love.

Tiger Parenting definition of happiness:  Being the top of your field.
 
I do believe that I could have been a great musician/lawyer/orator (though not an athlete maybe) if I started at a young age with Tiger parents--but would I have found the passion that I now have for education?  Would I have retained what my mother referred to as "a happiness gene" ??  Would I have ended up married to someone who I love specifically because he is unconventional and ignores societal norms?

When Steve first told me about this theory, he told me that the grad student who was talking about this said he was going to come up with his new parenting approach and he was going to call it Bear Parenting.

I like it.  Bear parenting--love your cubs and chase down anyone who gets in your way of the honey.

Ah Gardena, my old foe

Come back in time with me to 1999.

No pics.

Casey was 9 months old and I had recently decided to start substitute teaching in Los Angeles.  Steve was teaching and out of sheer boredom I decided to sub a few days a week for extra cash.  $160 a day to be exact.

I attended a two-day substitute teacher training where I met a lot of out-of-work actors whose main goal was to be effective enough in the classroom to be requested as a long-term sub so they could earn $195/day.

I failed the two-day institute because the actors were all much better at the practice scenarios.  In fact at one point, one of the actors turned to me and said "You know what?  Don't actually do that with kids in a classroom" while I was acting out what I would do if a pager went off during class. Fortunately, all they needed at that time was a warm body so they let me sub anyway.  My first day that I called the sub system I excitedly put on my shiny shoes, got my "cool substitute teacher" kit together and showed up to change the world.

At Gardena High School.

In a drama class.

In which the teacher had already used her entire sick leave and was now taking unpaid leave because she had some kind of nervous breakdown during class and had stopped leaving lesson plans.

The classes were comprised of almost entirely females and I was woefully unprepared to handle cultural differences of city kids as compared with my own small--town mountain upbringing.  Some of the moments that I haven't completely blocked out:

• I asked a student to go to the office to take care of what I was certain was a dress code violation  but she refused.  What do you do when you ask someone to do something and they ignore you?
• I asked the class to open the book and start reading a play--let's act it out!  So a few participated while the rest of the students milled about, ignoring my instructions
• A girl got up and left class and when I followed her she told me she was going to call her grandmother. I suggested she go to the office but she ignored me.

Are you getting the picture here?  So after a terrible, embarrassing, and humbling day, I decided never to return to Gardena High School.  I appreciated the opportunity to practice my teaching skills with kids who would never see my face again and ran with my tail tucked between my legs. 

I got much better at managing groups of kids after practicing at several high schools and middle schools but never got the courage to return to Gardena. 

Looks like fear is still striking hearts at Gardena after 10 years:

Officials' reassurances fail to calm Gardena High School parents 

Better Living Through Chemistry

I made a decision two weeks ago to stop using harsh chemicals in my shampoo.  I haven't decided if it was a good decision or not, but it seems nice to use more natural things in my hair.  The price is the same, if not a little less, than what I usually use... but my new shampoos don't contain Sodium Lauryl Sulfate, which is apparently the shampoo equivalent of HFCS--cheap and widely used.  They also don't contain parabens which are a preservative that act like estrogen.  Oh and alcohol, a drying agent?

Anyway so this is what I ended up with:

My hair always smells like lavender and I feel good about not damaging my hair, etc... BUT my hair does not feel as good as when I use these products

which I discovered at a hotel in downtown NYC.  I ordered a set from Amazon right after my stay because a week of using the little sample sizes and I was enamored.  BUT they arrived too late and I had already decided to go au naturale, baby.

What would you do?  Natural?  Or Chemical?

Our routines

In Our Lovely Desert

I cannot believe it has happened, but I have actually grown weary of living in paradise.  For those who live in Santa Barbara, it may come as a surprise to you because, well, how can one tire of a place like this?

Well, news flash, it is not the town, it is the place where I spend the majority of my day working, eating, breathing, sleeping, and loving my family that is causing my consternation.


Currently I can do neither.  Every little thing I try to do causes me deep frustration:

• Towels do not dry in this climate so after a shower, with limited space to hang your towel, chances are about 90% that just hanging it on the rack is going to yield a damp towel tomorrow.  Yuck and yuck.
• No dishwasher= limited counter top space in an already teensy apartment
• No place to put my purse so it ends up on the floor, oft times falling victim to a passer-by toddler
• We have recently started a new daily exercise routine--this has been wonderful and since our chore routine has worked fairly effectively, the routine seems to come naturally and is fun.  The girls and I had a great time trying to follow an aerobics clip, but there was only about 4 square feet to share for three people.  It was tough not to punch my children while trying to do this potentially wonderful bonding activity.  
• Knives are hung up on a handy little IKEA magnet strip hanging on the wall due to shortage of drawer and counter space, but I have a few more that don't fit so they go, along with my awesome microplane grater, high above reach.  My reach.  
• Books, books everywhere and ne'er a space on the bookshelf to be found--so when I want to loan out a book, nay determine if I still even have a book? I have to look behind books--who has double book rows?  We do.
• My office space is semi-packed up so now I am working off of my futon which is sadly tough on the back.
• No place to put my new fitness hula hoop
• Can't find spices that I know are there because they are all crammed into my only food cabinet. 
• Cannot reach my recipe books or most food items because they are in the pantry behind an old changing table that currently serves as storage for other items.

So needless to say, I am actually ready to move to Utah, in spite of some climate disadvantages... because my daily moments should naturally become more enjoyable.  At least that is the hope.  If anyone wants to give us a free place to live in THIS climate, of course we are open to that.  We only need about 2K square feet, we aren't picky.

BUT lest ye think that I am in despair, I am not!  I still love it here, I am just ready to move on to the bigger and broader world where my towels can dry and I can locate my spices in a second.  And how do I keep up this peppy 'tude?  Why, the new exercise routine!

It goes like this:  Pick something from each row on our chart (cardio, 15 minutes, upper body, 10 x 3 reps, core 10 x 3 reps)  I find the adrenaline very helpful, particularly if we get it going right before dinner, the time I am most likely to be frustrated.  Last night this guy waylaid my frustration:

Get fit with Micah

Droid Review Part Deux

As I specifically mentioned it in my Christmas letter, I thought I would reread my review of the HTC Incredible vs. Iphone and decided to provide an update.  You are welcome iphonies.

I recently helped my MIL program her Iphone and nostalgia washed over me in remembrance of a different era... and I realized that pleasurable usability is Apples piece de resistance.  Other notes:

Droid offers....

• Turn-by-turn directions from the maps app--no fee, no extra app, no programming, just straight up gps, garmin-like directions (the new update includes a google-earth style tilt)
• Flash (no fight with adobe here)
• A lot more free apps (Angry Birds free version has at least 10 levels--since I am there now) 
• Open home--you can design the phone to look however you want it to look without doing anything that will violate your contract
• Haptic feedback
• Better stock ringtones and alarm tones 
• VERIZON (rarely, I mean rarely dropped calls)
• No accidental calls (aka butt calls)
• Micro SD allows you to pick your own storage amount

There are some other things that are better but Iphone 4 + new operating system might have caught up in the last 6 months so I don't want to assume but just in case:

• Facebook app allows you to scroll the photos across the bottom and you can see the status updates above without being bogged down by a bunch of lame photos
• Quick access to my settings from the menu at any time
• Notifications at the top of the screen that you can pull down at any time
• 8 megapixel camera complete with pretty solid flash camera

Iphone still reigns in:

• Touch navigation.  Droid is good, but iphone has that dialed in but good
• Overall design and curviness
• WAY better accessories in general--cases for the droid you can count on one hand--you can't even count the varieties of screen protectors for the iphone on one hand
• Better paid apps (like lets create pottery for crying out loud)
• When you navigate back to the home screen it closes the app (that might have changed somewhat, please chime in) whereas the Droid can have five hundred apps open that you didn't realize were draining your battery.  App killer is hit and miss, you just have to back out of everything a million times.
• Text messages that show up on the face of your phone.  This is my holy grail on the droid--can't figure out how to do this and I really need that to occur
• Full synchronization with Itunes, essential for keeping a low effort updated music library

In summary:

If you travel and work like I do and need it to be reliable for professional productivity including long conference calls, go with a droid

If you want a really fun phone to blog, email,  play games with your friends on the go and accessorize, go with the Iphone.  

I hear a new rumor everyday that iphone is going verizon but I have been hearing that for two years to no avail.  That is NOT happening, sorry to say, so for now, you still have to decide.  

Resolución

I would rather revolución but it is the time of year that people are supposed to commit to goals that they will never actually reach but seem worthy in any case.

There were a decent number of people at church today who came for the first time, or the first time in awhile--resolution to be more devout!

The gyms know that now is the prime time to sucker someone into a new membership--resolution to get in shape!

Across America kitchens emptied from the recent holiday binging are now stocked with whole grains, fruits, vegetables, and lean meats--resolution to eat healthier!

I too wish to be devouter, fitter, and healthier.  Who doesn't?  Even an atheist wishes to be a more devout non-believer.

But to those of you wishing to change your current behavior, I have some sad news for you.  According to this article a colleague sent me called Change or Die only 1 in 9 people change their behavior when their doctor tells them that they will literally die if they do not.

How do you like those odds?  9 to 1?  And what if you are not going to die, what if your motivation is less extreme, then what?  Are those odds any better than those against Santa's Little Helper?

Lest you think that I am starting the new year with a negative edge, let me help everyone out there who wants to do something new, those of you who want to exercise your right to a Big Hairy Audacious Goal.

According to Dan and Chip Heath, you CAN change.  How?

1)  Find the bright stops--who used to be as unfit as you and then got fit?  Don't ask someone who has always been able to do what you want to do, ask someone who couldn't and then did.

2)  Script your exact plans--you can't just put"go to the gym" on your to do list, you have to say "go to the gym at 9 am on MWF after putting laundry in the washing machine."  The more specific your plans (including something before it that you already do) the more you are likely to make this thing come to pass.

3) Find some data that will make you realize what a horrible, terrible loser you will be if you don't make the change.  If your goal is to spend less money, find a picture of yourself at age 95 renting a small apartment where your hospice bed can barely fit in the room with the oxygen tank.  If your goal is to eat healthier, find an image of a heart surrounded by blocked arteries.  Something with a disturbing image--if you want to stop smoking, see if you can pick up a pack of these Brazilian packs (warning, graphic images of negative effects of smoking) that have been extremely effective in reducing smoking.

4)  Tweak your environment.  If you feel like you are watching too much TV, then move your TV to another room, or take your coach and face another direction.  Moving things that prevent you from backsliding is effective.

Okay so now that I have made these suggestions, here is a real list of things that I hope to accomplish this year:

1)  Try not to buy any new items from the store--buy stuff only from Craigslist or KSL (when we move of course!) This was inspired by my talented friend Katie who reminded me that creative ideas and investment of time can make a more beautiful and meaningful existence.

2)  Reduce the amount of food I eat overall.  I am not sure what tactic I am going to use but probably going with a checkin time of 1 pm on dailyplate to get myself at least tracking how much I am eating.  I will let you know in two months if I did it successfully or not.

3)  Eliminate all travel during church whenever I have control over my schedule.  This could cause a ripple in my schedule, but I have committed to being here with my family and only making an exception if I am attending a conference or other event that someone else scheduled.  I am starting with that commitment next week leaving at 6 pm for my next travel instance.

I have some other regular dailies, but these are my three big ones.  Wish me luck!