"I used to have four theories about raising children. Now I have four children, and no theories."
--Bill Moyers
I first heard about Tiger Parenting last week when Steve came home from a post-TA debrief session with his prof and another grad student.
I heard about it again this weekend when a friend of mine shared how excited some of the upper class of Santa Barbara are with this acknowledgment of how lazy Americans are in our parenting style.
So I had to do a little research myself to find out about this Tiger Parenting.
Amy Chua is apparently the author of the book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother which is basically the antithesis of everything I believe about good parenting--at a glance at least. I have not read the book and I plan to do so to prove myself either wrong or right, but from what I have read here is the premise:
- Americans are lazy (true but useless information)
- Chinese mothers are superior because their children are performing at astronomically better rates in both academic and musical achievement
- Children must be taught that they should never be satisfied with the fruits of their labor or they will become lazy and unambitious
- Parents have the right to call their children a piece of garbage because it is motivational and effective
I do not, however, wish to decry this method of parenting. Though I personally find it distasteful and a violation of my spiritual belief that children are our equals in spirit whose care has been entrusted to us to teach them to be able to choose right from wrong on their own, I think that many believe happiness is something different than my own definition.
My definition of happiness: Feeling fulfilled by the choices you make and being motivated to grow and learn about what you do with your time, which hopefully you love.
Tiger Parenting definition of happiness: Being the top of your field.
I do believe that I could have been a great musician/lawyer/orator (though not an athlete maybe) if I started at a young age with Tiger parents--but would I have found the passion that I now have for education? Would I have retained what my mother referred to as "a happiness gene" ?? Would I have ended up married to someone who I love specifically because he is unconventional and ignores societal norms?
When Steve first told me about this theory, he told me that the grad student who was talking about this said he was going to come up with his new parenting approach and he was going to call it Bear Parenting.
I like it. Bear parenting--love your cubs and chase down anyone who gets in your way of the honey.
I read some reviews and thought it was another example of only extreme views getting any press. The only positive take away I could come up with from her message was, look, here is an example of an extreme, if it helps someone be motivated to be a better parent and move toward the middle because they know you are too lax, then good.
ReplyDeleteBut you're right, it all depends on your value system. All parents have different things they feel are non-negotiable.
I strongly agree that overall American parents are wimps. Children should obey their parents with respect--BUT they are also people who should be treated with respect and allowed to exercise agency as much as possible. The Tiger book sounds to me like focusing children's lives way too much on achievement and compliance and not enough on joy and relationship.
ReplyDeleteBTW, just finished our bag of pomegranate chocolates. Thank you so much! *Loved* them!
I've heard of this, and although I do believe- from my own observation- that some parents are somewhat passive with their parenting, I think these ideas are flawed. I'm with you and I think there needs to be more love, more positive reinforcement and encouragement.
ReplyDeleteI heard a commentary about the book on NPR so I do plan on reading the book, but not because I think I'll agree with her. Or even hate her. I don't think she wrote it to be a parenting book, and I don't plan on implementing her parenting style, but it sounds like a fascinating journey. (I never thought much about China or Chinese culture until my husband did an internship and we lived there for a summer. Since then I notice.)
ReplyDeleteAnd even if someone does consider this a parenting book, I have yet to find a parenting book that mixed in with all the advice doesn't contain things that go against what I believe is right for my children. Since it is probably more accurately categorized as a memoir, I read memoirs all the time about people doing things that I would never do.
(I'm sure I'll understand Tiger parenting more after reading it, but I'm pretty sure it all flies in the face of PBL!)
Did you watch last season's The Biggest Loser? Poor Aida was of Asian decent (I think she was Chinese...her parents spoke no english) but she grew up in America. She spoke of growing up in a "duel culture" where on one had she had her parents who were never satisfied with her, never proud of her, felt like providing for her was enough. Then on the other hand she saw her friends' parents how adored their children, were overly proud of them & outwardly loved them.
ReplyDeleteShe found love in food and ended up on The Biggest Loser so, yeah, she had issues.
I did wonder, however, if things would have been different if she had grown up in her parents' culture where all children were treated like that.
PS I will tell my children that they are pieces of garbage in the morning to see if it motivates them in any way. I'll keep you posted.
Didn't Sarah Palin already come up with Bear Parenting?
ReplyDeleteI thought that was bulldog parenting.
ReplyDeleteI prefer duck parenting. Move forward in life and teach them to follow. Then quack really loud at them when they get put of line.
ReplyDeleteI'll read this if you give it a good review on Goodreads.
ReplyDeleteRemember your Yong Zhao. And the American Talent Show.
How are those Tiger cubs doing with creativity and divergent thinking? Hmm? (I'm such an American.)